Audiophiles would rather talk about listening to music.............

Than actually listen to it.

Proof: look at all the crappy audio forums. And all the hot air, wasted, on what is good and why. (And what sucks, and why.) (Which devolves to you suck, and why.)

I have to confess.

None of this should be a surprise, to me. I learned all of this, back in the 70s.

Yep, before there was the web.............before there were BB services, back when folks were still dancing to shit like "Funky Town", I learned that all audiophiles were insecure dorks, who would rather sit around, talking about how great their system was. And why.

Fact is: most sucked.

How do I know this?

Way back when.................I had this great idea, to start a service, where I would show up at some audio nerd's house, whip out all my fancy gear, and adjust their tone arms.............move their speakers, to get rid of the bass boom (which wasn't always welcome), and stuff like that. At one point, I would schlep around an AF spectrum analyzer, and measure rumble. (The quietest I measured was some Nipposonic direct-drive machine. Forget which one. Wasn't a Denon, is all I can remember.)

I charged by the hour. Even when I had to sit there, and listen to them go on and on and on and on, about how great their system was.

(Actually, this was a dual blessing. One, I made money, sitting on my arse. Second, I was spared listening to their system.)

Which leads me to where this is heading......................

All of these folks were insecure. They needed reinforcement, that their system was great. It had to be great: some nerd, with tons of expensive gear, just measured it, so it has to be great. (No, it doesn't, but just like Stereo Review, I never gave a bad review. I just gave them the data. They jumped to the conclusion that data was corroboration.)

Yep, I learned, at $x/hour, that folks would gladly pay that amount, to blather on about how great their system was. Even though each and every one of them sucked.

So, what we see, on audio forums, is just an extension of all of that stuff. Now, they don't have to pay me (crap!), they can just create some stupid nom de guerre, log on to some audio nerd forum, and...........

We all know the outcome. Why listen to music, when you can talk about listening to music? And be spared from having to listen to an un-listenable system. How can you go wrong?

So, l learned, while collecting $, that audiophiles are all insecure little worms, who probably never have sex with their wives. And for good reason! Given the choice between listening to music, they would actually pay money, to talk about listening to music, over actually doing it.

Even though I am a greedy, money-grubbing creep, all of these guys were too creepy, even for me. There was only so much of that I could stomach, and even though it brought in money, it wasn't even to heal my frayed nerves. All of these systems were so bad, that I would leave a nervous wreck, with my stomach in knots.

Any wonder why they would rather talk, than listen?

One of my favorites.....................I remember this one, as it also gave me a headache....................

(I had stopped doing this, at this point, but one store remembered me, and told their customer about me. I needed money, so like a schmuck.................)

(Sounded like an easy gig. We are now in the 80s, and CD players are out. And it was something that had to do with measuring crossovers, so how could it go wrong?)

Everything was going ok. No tonearm to measure, so I did not need to schlep test records, and crap to measure anti-skating. No VTA or other alignment crap. Sounded too good to be true. What could go wrong?

I measured this guy's crossovers, as he was convinced his were better than the ones that came with the speakers. Judging by some of the crappy parts, in some of them, there was always a chance. So, now that the work is over, it is time to make money, by sitting on my arse. And gritting my teeth, while I had to be subjected to bad system, and bad system jabber. Oh, boy...............

This guy was such a nerd....................

"How much of a nerd? More than you? Boy, he must have really been a nerd. And a loser."

Stop interrupting.

Anyway, remember we are now in the early days of CD.

This nerd had the CD, of that awful Telarc recording of the "1812". You know..............the CD of that record we all bought, that had the cannon shots, that made the stylus jump out of the groove.

Yeah, that Telarc.

This loser had a piece of paper, where he marked down the time of each and every cannon shot. So, he loads the CD, and...........

"OK, this one here....................."

BOOM!

"And one here............."

BOOOM!!!!!!!!

I had to listen to each and every one of them. Probably more than once. Oy vey. Any wonder why I had a headache, in addition to all the other ailments, I incurred, during my visitation.

"That is a powerful piece of music!", he proclaimed.

WHAT MUSIC?? All I heard was cannon shots. Sans music.

Now, do you see why I decided that there was no amount of money that I was ever going to do that, again.

Instead, I just started posting, on audio forums.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned....................."

If I ever join another audio forum...........

Remind me to pick a different name.

Like "Sam the Sham". And the Pharaohs.

Might be more appropriate, for what I think of the membership. Other than something that went with "What's round on the ends, and high in the middle?..................o-HI-o." No one ever seemed to get any of those jokes.

They never got anything, of what I said. Can't cure ignorance, and I have given up trying.

Wooly Bully.

"Ew-rah!"

How much am I worth?

Depends who you ask. These guys think this:

My site is worth$2,862.2Your website value?

Wow, almost $3k for a blog that no one reads. More than some commercial sites that I have seen.

About as useful as your daily horrorscope.

"What? Your site or the bogus metrics?"

Uh, probably both.

While I am at it............you owe me $1.28.

Getting old is the pits.

Why is it that I can remember the Monty Python "Dead Parrot" sketch, but not where I put my keys?

Ditto for the Ren and Stimpy "Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen" song, but not where I put my wallet?

Likewise for "Billy the Mountain", in its entirety, but not what I had for lunch?

Or "Cheepnis" and "Cheepnis Preamble", but not it I even had lunch?

Or...........ah...........ah.............what was that thing I used to quote verbatim all the time at work and drove everyone crazy............ah............lemmee think............uh, uh.........the one that ran off every woman that I ever met............oh, crap...........what was it? I forget now.

Well, I'll think of what it was. Eventually. And repeat it here. Just to prove my point.

I don't get it. Getting old sucks.

Now, what was it that I was trying to prove?

And you think that it is just DIYers who pull stuff like this?

This was sent to me the other day, by someone who made his New Year's Resolution to be he would not post anything on the 'Net. Disappointed, but understanding his feelings, I could not get him to break his resolution. However, he suggested that I put this on my "blog".

Ok, this is too good not to share. But make no mistake:

This is not an original writing by the author of this site. It is being published here with the knowledge and encouragement of the person who did write it. Respect his desire to remain anonymous.

(I know that is hard for a lot of you. Tough.)

So, without further blather from me:

*****************************************************

I have a friend who I talk to about once every two years now who used to live in one of the more modest sections of NYC. In an old walk-up apartment. Must have been in the early 70's.

Some Japanese guy rented one of the two apartments on the floor below his.

Every day, a couple other Japanese guys would come over first thing in the morning then leave around early evening. This went on for probably three or four months.

Then one day, he noticed that the Japanese guys weren't showing up every morning or leaving at night.

I guess the lease was month to month. At the end of the next month, the landlord came around and opened the door to the apartment rented by the Japanese guy. He'd paid up, and had moved out. The landlord was there to get the place ready for renting.

But he couldn't. He went to grab my friend for help.

It seems that there was a brand new Harley Davidson taken totally part in the living room. Totally. Everything was well organized, too, with tags and everything on each part. In Japanese, of course.

These Japanese guys from some motorcycle company in Japan had taken the motorcycle entirely apart, measured everything, photographed it, made drawings and reversed the entire design. About a year and a half later my friend recognized some new Japanese motorcycle as clearly being derived from that Harley.

But at least guys made the effort and Harley made a sale.

"Where are all the schematics?"

I can't believe that one of you had the chutzpah to ask me that. It is probably one of the gang, pulling my chain, just to see if I get wound up and go off. For their own amusement. (And now, yours!)

I'm fixin' to..........are you happy now?

Look, do I really have to 'splain this:

There are no friggin' schematics. There never will be any friggin' schematics. Mainly because I have no friggin' schematics. Of anything. Ever. Period.

There are no schematics, anywhere, of anything, that I ever designed. Ever. And I am not about to start now.

"But if there are no schematics, then how do you ever build anything?"

That is actually a fair question. I either have to remember what I did, and how I did it, or............

Design it from scratch every time out.


Those of you who are more perceptive than the average schmuck can easily conclude that this is a large reason of why it takes me so damn long to do anything.

Yep, if I would only get off my butt, and/or high horse, and get with the program and make some drawings of something for the first time in my life, then maybe something would get done a helluva lot sooner.

No, because there is that other matter of money. And that is something that I will never have. So, deal with it.

Do I have to put up the picture of Cartman going "Forget you guys..............." again?

Don't make me, because I will!

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Copyright © 2009

The Three Rules of Audio

The Three Rules of Audio

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Rule number 1:

"If it sounds different, it HAS to be better.

Especially if you paid money for it."

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Rule number 2:

"The stupider* it looks, the crappier it sounds."

Applies mainly to speakers, but have you ever
seen/heard the NRG preamp?


(* Yeah, I know......it should be "more stupid", but that ruins the joke. Just pretend you are listening to Dick Shahinian speak.)

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Rule number 3:

"All audiophiles are geeks without a sex life."

"Does that include you dorks?"

Shut up,
pink boy.

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And thanks to that "fizzed-bombed" maniac, Russell,
we now have a fourth rule of audio.

Rule number 4:

"The more it's hyped, the more it sucks."

Just like Budweiser.

Apologies to...........

Ken Baran: "It's good enough for me, I can't tell the difference."
Jim Lofe: "I don't care what all the beer snobs say, I just like the way it tastes."
Ken Macha: "It's the nectar of the gods, Bruiser. That stuff you drink gives me a headache."

Must be a Pitt Engineer thing.

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We now have fifth rule of audio.
Thanks to Thorsten from the UK.


Rule Number 5:

"If it is well designed, it can't sound good;
because someone actually applied thought to the product."


Does that explain why everything Fred designs sounds like, well, something that Fred designed?

(Translation: Stop thinking about it and sell the damn thing! The idea is to make money, not impress the rest of the gang with your resourcefulness.)

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While these aren't rules that apply specifically to audio, we present them here for your edification.

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Zappa's Law:


"There are two things on earth that are universal:
hydrogen and stupidity."

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Toolsie's Transit Theorem:

"The olfactory properties of a substance cannot improve in transit."

(Translation: If you think the stuff you feed your cat smells like shit when (s)he
eats it, imagine how bad it is going to stink when (s)he poots it out the far end.)

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Myers' Law:

"It is hard to make a system idiot-proof,
because idiots are so ingenious."

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It may not qualify as an official rule either,but here's what a well known audio designer had to say (via private conversation) about selling audio stuff in the USA:

"Yep, if you want to sell equipment in the US, it's got to be built in a cheap box and cost under $1000. That's why the computer is the ideal product for America: it's cheap, comes in a shoddy cabinet, you can take it apart and screw with it to your heart's content. You won't have to worry about voiding the warranty because it will be obsolete in 3 months anyway and will break shortly afterward even if you don't mess with it. No matter what you do to it, it won't work worth a crap anyway and requires constant attention. Ideal product for audiophiles.
Yep, audiophiles love to take their system apart. They always think they know more than we do. We only designed it, what do we know? Yep, let them all buy computers. Then they can put $2500 power cords on them and see how much better they work. And magic bricks on top of their monitors. Yep, audiophiles are pretty silly."

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Any further rules of your
own?
Send 'em if ya got 'em. We'll post 'em.

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Copyright © 1996, 1997